Well, I've had a hell of a week. Last Monday began with my painting teacher lecturing the class for ten minutes about how to use studio time effectively. All I could think was, "If you want me to use my studio time, why don't you skip this bullshit and let us go back to work." She also let us know that she was going to be a bit fascist about wanting us to be in the studios at nine o'clock sharp even though she said that she didn't want to be a schoolmarm. Whatever. I was overtaken by a sort of malaise that led into Tuesday and Wednesday. Both those days I allowed myself to sleep in but I was really happy with what I got done once I got to the studio. I was feeling better, even though I could feel my annual bout of autumn depression edging in on me. It's taken me a while, but I've found that watching funny movies (I've stocked up on Mel Brooks movies, thanks to a sale at Borders) and listening to over-the-top, Gothic-type music really lifts my spirits. On Wednesday, I actually found myself smiling at Marilyn Manson's music while I was painting; it's just so ridiculous, good music but I can't believe anyone actually takes that band seriously.
Anyway, Thursday rolled around and I really shouldn't have gotten out of bed at all that day. I had a panic attack in class--that's never happened before when I've been taking my medicine the way I'm supposed to, which I was that day. I managed to keep it at bay so I didn't have to leave the room, we were watching a video, so that helped camouflage the anxiety. I fought it off, but I felt like a lion tamer, trying to keep a lion back with a spoon and fork instead of the usual whip and chair. The rest of the day is lost on me, but, from what I can tell, it wasn't much better than the beginning. Friday's class is always enjoyable, but I still had this uncharacteristic anxiety waiting in the wings for me. I went to my favorite used bookstore in the afternoon and got a book on Chicago cemeteries because I thought that it would be cool to go tour graveyards Halloween weekend, but life seems to have other plans.
Saturday was so-so. I got started on several different papers I need to write, but got sidetracked. Today was good, I got together with a friend and had a lot of fun. Tonight, though, I'm exhausted and antsy with anxiety about not having finished the papers I started and class tomorrow. I'm supposed to go to the museum with my instructor to see the Rossetti painting, my favorite painting in the museum at the moment, but I don't know if I want to have her pick it apart in front of me so that I'll never want to look at it again. All week, I've been having sinus issues that have left me light-headed, shaky, dizzy, and occasionally nauseous, so I'm considering playing the "I'm not feeling so hot today and I'd rather stay in the studio, lest I vomit on your shoes and subsequently pass out" card. I started a new painting last Wednesday, so I'd really rather not waste the morning at the museum learning to hate a painting that I once loved... I'll see how I feel in the morning.
What I'd really love is to just be left alone to work. I don't wanna be critiqued and have people harp on areas of my paintings that aren't resolved yet, telling me either to "leave it that way" or that they don't like that. I say, "I know, I'm not finished," and they reply with, "Well, I'm just telling you what I think." I really wanna respond, "Well, don't," but my mother raised me better than that; I'm only impolite behind peoples' backs. I know I should stop anticipating the worst-case scenario, but I find that in the heat of an argument (or just passionate critique) I can't think on me feet; my Asperger's makes it so that I have to have a "script" of sorts prepared to defend myself and my art. Otherwise, I find it difficult to clearly communicate what I'm trying to get at and be a bit of a smartass at the same time.
I'm exhausted after a day of running around and being out in public and on the streets without my headphones to block out all of the stimuli that comes with being in a busy city while concentrating on talking with a friend and trying to work out all of the social interaction things that don't come as naturally to me as they do to most everyone else. I've also been stressing about this work I hafta do and anticipating tomorrow, not to mention all of the worries I have about my communication skills, or lack thereof. Things that I think I've communicated to people aren't always picked up and I don't always catch on to some of the things that I need to "read between the lines" to get. George Bernard Shaw said that, "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."
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