Can't Win For Losing

I, apparently, cannot do a God damn thing right. This school is all about "being yourself," but I keep getting pushed into molds that don't fit me.

I woke up this morning when my alarm went off at 6:45 and decided that I would sleep in today because, for the past two days, I've been taking afternoon powernaps in front of my easel hoping no on would walk in and catch me snoozing. So, I slept in until 9:00 and I woke up and felt great. I went to class and, in the afternoon, when I finally got into working on my painting, I was focused and in the "zone," the instructor came in and, essentially told me that, with my paintings, I'm not saying anything original and my unoriginal paintings aren't done right. So, in response, I argued and told him, essentially, that I'm not making my paintings for him and that if he wants the unfinished painting of mine he called finished to be finished, that he should paint his own damn painting. (That's not verbatim, but that's the sentiment I expressed.) He, in response, pulled the seniority card, saying that I'm paying a lot of money to go to this school and hear what he thinks and that he must know something more than I do. (I realize now how Obama must feel when he debates McCain and McCain pulls the seniority card.)

So, essentially, I got the "Shut up you little whippersnapper and listen to what I have to say because I'm the teacher" speech, which totally took the wind out of my sails for the day. It contradicted everything I've been told by other instructors, instructors who understand me much more. And I can't tell if the teacher today was really being a dick, or if he was just playing devil's advocate and trying to see how much I believe in what I'm doing. I can never tell whether some painting teachers are playing good cop, bad cop or if they're being genuine. Are they trying to get me to get down and dirty and fiercely fight for what I'm doing? When I do respond that way, when I argue and defend my work, I'm told that I'm being too defensive; when I don't argue, I'm a pushover. I really can't do anything right here.

In the end--and I keep telling myself this--I've gotta be happy with what I'm doing and those who aren't pleased, will just hafta move on because I'm not making my art for them. It's hard, though, because, in the meantime, I hafta put up with this barrage of criticism and being told that I'm not original, et cetera.

Again, I'll end with a quote, this time from Woodrow Wilson: "The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."