Across the Street

Instead of going to Chicago, I had to stay home with the pets to keep them from fighting. I did, however, get a chance to get out and make some art yesterday. I sat on my porch and drew the house across the street, thereby christening my first watercolor sketchbook.



I've done watercolors before, but I've never had a watercolor sketchbook. The one I'm using now is one I've had for a while now but, as it cost about seventeen dollars, I've been skittish about using it. I'm used to using a book-bound sketchbook (my Moleskine) and, since I like to share my sketchbooks with people, I am petrified of screwing up and being stuck with it. I know it's stupid and that the fear stunts my creativity, but I'm a perfectionist, which is something of a double-edged sword: when I'm good, I'm good and when I'm afraid that I'm not going to be good, I'm nothing. I'm trying to get over it.

I told myself that as far as this sketchbook is concerned, it's spiral-bound and if I really, irrevocably, and unforgivably screw up royally, I can just tear out the page and no one will ever have to see it. Of course, I could just not show my sketchbooks to anybody, but, even though I would like to claim that I only make art for myself, I really do enjoy the little ego-boost I get from showing my work to other people, non-artists who marvel at someone's ability to stare down a blank page and create something recognizable with a little graphite, ink, and pigment. I suppose, when it comes down to it, if I were a hermit living in the middle of nowhere, I would make art to stave off insanity even if there were not a soul for miles with whom I might share my work. But, I do derive an additional thrill from sharing my work with non-artists and other artists alike.

Change of Seasons

I've spent the past five weeks chasing my new kitty around the house, trying to keep her from attacking our dog. Scout, it seems, is not a kitten, but a 3-4 year-old, full-grown cat, according to our vet. She's adjusted well to living indoors and if she'd only stop being afraid of the dog and preemptively attacking, she'd be an absolute angel.

The weather is becoming more summery and, partially as a response to this, I've been feeling more like making art. For the past six months or so, I've confined myself to doing monotonous stipples of photos, which has been therapeutic in that it was something that I never felt "allowed" to do while in art school; it was something that would have been, at best, condemned as "illustration" and I would have been deemed "uncreative" for copying photos. But it's something I do to unwind; it's not all I ever do. So, now I'm feeling more like working from life. I have no shortage of inspiration with the flowers in the yard... Though, come to think of it, flowers would have been deemed cliche at school, but what the hell. I like flowers. So, I'm gonna take inspiration from flowers for now since they're available.

So, I'm gearing up for a trip to the University of Chicago for my brother's graduation this weekend. I'm gathering my sketchbooks, pens and pencils, and field watercolor kit to draw in Hyde Park. The U of C has the most amazing Gothic architecture. I hope I get a chance to draw some of it. If I do, I'll share it here. If not, I'll at least post photos.

Kitten!

So, last week, my mother and sister informed me that a stray cat was hanging around our back door. "Okay," I thought with a mental shrug. Our town isn't overrun with stray animals, but it wasn't anything too new. Besides, we'd fed strays before and we always ended up taking them to the local animal shelter. I like cats, but I figured that this one was just passing through or we'd end up taking it to the animal shelter, so I thought it best to not get too attached to the idea of having a new cat around.

The next day, I got to see the cat--my mom had put some food out for it by the back door. I was cautious at first, because, again I didn't want to get too attached, and I wasn't sure if the cat had fleas or was sick... so I tried to keep my distance, but that didn't last for long because soon she was on my lap, purring. During the next couple of days, I fell in love and bonded. I sit outside and the cat, who we found to be female and not so much a cat as an adolescent kitten, sits on my lap for hours at a time as I stroke her soft fur while I read.

I decided soon after I met her, that her name was going to be Scout. (Though, at the time, I thought she was a he; thankfully, I chose a unisex name.) When I first let her onto my lap, I made sure she didn't have fleas, because I didn't want the bugs to get onto me then get taken into the house where the cat and dog we already have would have picked them up. Scout is surprisingly clean for a stray, but we think that she was either lost or someone recently had to move and left her behind. She always seems to want inside the house, so I'd imagine she used to live with people and knows what "inside" is.

Scout came to us very hungry and rather thin. She devoured I don't know how much cat food the first couple of days she was with us. She has since slowed down because she had her fill and/or she realizes that the food's not going anywhere, that we're not going to take it away. We gave her a box with an old rug, a towel, and, most recently, an inexpensive fleece blanket to sleep with since it's rather chilly and rainy. Yesterday, I modified a box, wrapping it in plastic and duct tape in order to waterproof it for the rain and I cut a smaller doorway in the front to block out some of the wind. Scout seems to like her new house.

So, I'm hoping and praying that I can keep the kitten. We're going to see about taking her to the vet to get her shots and to get her de-clawed and spayed. I'm also going to clean up a lot of my crap in my room so the kitten doesn't get lost. I think that as long as there's nothing terribly wrong with her (health-wise)... I think, I hope, that perhaps... maybe... I might be allowed to keep her. I hope, I hope, I hope. Because she's like a little angel that was sent to me. I've been in such a slump; it's so nice to have something new in my life. She'll be my mental health cat. /sappy crap

Anyway, hopefully she'll be given a more or less clean bill of health and will learn to get along with the dog and cat we already have and Scout can stay. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Long Silence

Well... It's been a while. I needed the break. I'm taking the semester off from school to get my shit together so that when I go out into the world with a BFA, I'll feel better prepared. In fact, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I'm gonna do with the BFA once I have it. To be a painter... an artist, that would be ideal, but I'm not feeling as thought that's gonna happen. Not right away, anyway. For a while, I was thinking about working in theater, with set and production design; I'm still interested in that, but I don't want it to be all I ever do.

As of late, I've not been able to make any new art. I've only been preparing paper with ink washes to be drawn over at a later date. It's frustrating not feeling able to do something that I should be able to do--something that I know I can do--but I feel burnt out. I've been trying to de-program myself of the art school way of thinking, trying to figure out what I want to do because I really want to do it and what I want to do because someone told me I should want to do it. I'm trying to make it be okay for me to not have to do anything. I'm trying to remove the pressure to produce art. It would be nice to create something everyday and, in some ways, I still do, but I guess I'm trying to give myself permission to not feel compelled to produce... at least, for the moment. And, if I should choose to make something, sometimes it's gonna be crappy; that's okay.

I've been trying to get into my writing--the rewrites of my novels, but I can't settle on one to work on. I want to, but I just can't concentrate. I've been doing some reading; after being told to check him out when I was a freshman, I finally "discovered" Neil Gaiman. I read The Graveyard Book, which is one of the best books I've read in a long time. I've moved onto The Sandman series which is quite excellent. I've noticed in the past that I have a difficult time multi-tasking when it comes to reading new books and working on my own writing, it feels like the new information, when it's really good (and Neil Gaiman is really good) tends to influence my writing, sometimes too directly. I don't wanna write a book that's already been written or steal someone else's characters, so I need to get some distance (or time) between the new stuff I'm putting into my head and the stuff that's coming out, or else the two will look alike. I guess I'm fairly impressionable as far as literature goes; I'm still doing a lot of learning about writing and sometimes I'm too much of a sponge.

So, I'm not making art and I'm not working on my writing. I hate not producing, but I keep telling myself that my creative well is not endless and I've gotta let it refill itself once in a while. So, I will.

More Quizzes

Your result for The 3 Variable Funny Test...

the Wit

(67% dark, 35% spontaneous, 32% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK



You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.



You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm
talking about, check it out here: href=http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/>http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/.



PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais







The 3-Variable Funny Test!

- it rules -

Take The 3 Variable Funny Test at HelloQuizzy

Your result for The Commonly Confused Words Test...

English Genius

You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 80% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

Take The Commonly Confused Words Test at HelloQuizzy

Fairly accurate...

I took a short personality test similar to the Myers-Briggs tests. Last time I took one, I was in high school and I got an INFP. Things have changed a little. It seems very accurate in some aspects, but also a little disturbing... I mean, I know I'm neurotic, but... Damn. It seems to skew all of the characteristics that have to do with not liking crowds and massive amounts of social interaction as though they're going to completely cripple me for life. Those attributes can be assets sometimes.

INFJ
"Author" Strong drive and enjoyment to help others.
Complex personality. 1.5% of total population.
Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Introverted (I) 61.76% Extroverted (E) 38.24%
Intuitive (N) 50% Sensing (S) 50%
Feeling (F) 78.13% Thinking (T) 21.88%
Judging (J) 57.58% Perceiving (P) 42.42%

creative, smart, focus on fantasy more than reality, attracted to sad things, fears doing the wrong thing, observer, avoidant, fears drawing attention to self, anxious, cautious, somewhat easily frightened, easily offended, private, easily hurt, socially uncomfortable, emotionally moody, does not like to be looked at, fearful, perfectionist, can sabotage self, can be wounded at the core, values solitude, guarded, does not like crowds, organized, second guesses self, focuses on peoples hidden motives, prone to crying, not competitive, prone to feelings of loneliness, not spontaneous, prone to sadness, longs for a stabilizing relationship, fears rejection in relationships, frequently worried, can feel victimized, prone to intimidation, lower energy, strict with self

favored careers:
psychotherapist, artist, art curator, bookstore owner, freelance writer, poet, teacher (art, drama, english), library assistant, professor of english, painter, novelist, book editor, copywriter, philosopher, environmentalist, bookseller, museum curator, opera singer, magazine editor, archivist, music therapist, screenwriter, film director, creative director, librarian, social services worker, art historian, sign language interpreter, photo journalist, makeup artist, photo journalist, homemaker

disfavored careers:
airline pilot, race car driver, businessman, information technology consultant, executive, administrator, supervisor, bartender, lab technician, restaurant owner, strategist, ceo, bar owner, marketing specialist, business consultant

Mid-Semester Breakdown

Why does everything have to be so goddamn hard for me?

On top of a mounting backlog of schoolwork (two essays, three reports, and numerous journal entries, among other things) every other aspect of my life seems to be in the toilet as well. I've spent so much of my life trying to autopsy my half of failed friendships--relationships that I thought were so great then something happened, and communications stopped for whatever reason. I ask if I did something wrong not because I'm being a smartass or playing dumb, I honestly don't know. I try to be conscientious and a good friend, I'd never do anything to deliberately hurt my friends because I'm... y'know, a halfway decent human being. Everything I say that might be interpreted as being hurtful... Well, chances are that I'm being glib or I'm responding to something else that's going on in my life.

But, despite my good intentions, I seem to have pissed off a lot of people I considered to be friends. Communications have ceased and I'm being ignored. This leads me to wonder, are friendships really that disposable? Or is it just my friendship that's so expendable?

I've had a lot of friends over the years who have been for "respecting life," which is commendable, but what about respecting the living? What about respecting your fellow human and telling them what the deal is instead of simply cutting them loose or ignoring them without any explanation?

So, I've been at home since Saturday because it seemed to be a better idea that staying in Chicago for the weekend when no one there is talking to me. At least here I have a few allies. In the meantime, though, I'm getting behind in my painting, but even if I were in the studio, I'd be obsessing over all of the other work I have to do as well as continuing to wonder what I've done that's so horrible that people who were once friends have now stopped talking to me.

I'm going to have to go back to Chicago sometime soon, but for what? To face a mountain of work without anyone on my side anymore. I've tried so hard to be a good friend, supporting my friends when they've needed my help, but I've been left high and dry when I need someone in my corner. All I need is for someone to drop me a line, throw me a bone, do something that will let me know that you're still there for me. If I've done something, if I've inadvertently hurt someone, talk to me about it, don't assume I know because, chances are, I don't. I just need someone to talk to me because I'm feeling more and more like I live on a deserted island in downtown Chicago; I'm surrounded by people I know but I'm still utterly alone and yearning for some sort of friendly human contact.